that is how I would sum up my relationship with Mother's Day, hell with motherhood as a whole.

My relationship with my own mother was ridiculously complicated. As an adult, especially after the divorce, it seemed to be a never ending tug-of-war with myself. On the one hand I desperately wanted her approval, I had sought that since childhood, but it seemed ever elusive. On the other hand, I just wanted to run like hell and distance myself from all the emotional warfare that family life in that household always consisted of.

I love my children. I loved them from the moment I knew I carried them within my womb. I wanted to be a good mother. I tried to be a good mother. Yet, I lacked certain skills. I hope they always knew they were loved. I was selfish, though. Certainly not a helicopter parent. It was easy to blame needing to work over time for the money...but deep down? It was easier to be at work sometimes than coping with my family. How awful is that?

Now, all these years later here I am. My mother died four years ago. We reached a state of detente a few years before she died. Medication on both our parts likely helped with that. I was with her when she died...and now, even though it wasn't planned that way, her ashes are in an urn in my home. One of these days I will figure out what to do about that. Not today.

Slowly rebuilding a relationship with my son. I hope it can continue to grow and he can lose some of the anger. I don't know though...

My daughter? I love her dearly. She is off living her life and while I have my worries, she insists she is happy. What more could I ask than that.

I think though, in my efforts to make sure I never made them feel guilty for not spending holidays and such with me, I did to thorough of a job. Is it too late to try guilt?

when you realize things are broken beyond repair.

True gratitude. Not just a litany of what I should be grateful for, but truly embracing it...meditating on it. Making it as natural as breathing. It is what I strive for...and now, opening myself up to giving thanks...being grateful for the adversity in my life as well. Opening myself up to truly learn from it...to becoming aware enough and evolve enough to break free of past, destructive patterns. Making room for more...glimmers of what may be...I can do this...focus...learn to focus...awareness...I.Am.Grateful.

Words flung, hurled...intentionally said to hurt. Eviscerated. It went both ways. Accusations made. He told me he was quite certain he couldn't die fast enough to suit me. I was gutted.

Raw. Pain. China thrown and broken, much like my heart.

So much pain.

Where do I go from here?

I'm not that strong. I don't know if I can keep doing this.

Such a dichotomy between the various facets of my life this week. So much good, some not so good and some pretty sad.

The good, had a wonderful meeting and planning session regarding Cash Mob Fayetteville, potentially Cash Mob NWA and the directions the project could possibly go. Bought the Cash Mob Fayetteville domain for development of a full website and will hopefully be able to negotiate obtaining Cash Mob NWA from the company that registered it. Lots of possibilities there. Lined out the prospective locations and dates for the events through the summer. Fun, exciting and feels like giving back to my adopted hometown.

Met with a potential client for an estate sale. She has amazing antiques and with proper promotion, it has the potential to be a great sale. More work is ongoing on that.

Loved the workshop put on by FIBA/AMIBA. Learned a lot and will be getting involved on some committees with them. Pretty excited about that as well.

Completed the design proposal for a wedding and sent it to the bride. Haven't heard back yet, which always makes me nervous. I know on an intellectual level she could not get this from anyone else for less or even close to what I bid, but will she see that. I could really use the cash infusion and I miss doing more of the floral design. Had a message that a fellow florist referred a bride to me since she was too heavily booked for her date. What an honor!

Not so good...being broke sucks and it is a week until payday. *sigh*....

The part I hate...Doug is getting worse. This week has been awful. Lots of severe vertigo and cognitive problems. The new norm seems to be sleep until nearly noon. Up for about an hour and eat something, then back to bed for another 2-4 hours. It breaks my heart knowing there is no such thing as a good day for him any more.

Today it just is all a bit overwhelming. I haven't even dressed today. Not good. I ought not allow myself to do this.

My son and his lady are expecting their first child. They had a doctor visit last week, heard the heart beat and had an ultrasound. Not as far along as they had thought and yet with the miracles of modern technology and social media, I have seen my first photo of my grandchild at between 8 & 9 weeks post conception. I have a lump in my throat and joy in my heart. They are thrilled, happy, nervous and all the things you expect from a couple expecting their first child.

For me, it also brings an even more personal awareness of exactly how powerful a weapon the prolife movement has made this technology of modern ultrasounds. It is tragic in my mind that they wish to use this to hurt a young woman or couple making a difficult decision. Yes, I know there are a very small percentage that view abortion as nothing more than a form of birth control much like oral contraceptives, but I also know those are an extremely small percentage of those that take this route. From my experience working in the health care field, careful study and talking with these women and their mothers, I feel that a significant portion of those that aren't traumatized already by the decision to terminate the pregnancy are so emotionally and psychologically damaged, that nothing would change their feelings on it.
Showing them these photos, making them listen to the heart beat will not alter the damage that resides deep within these young women.
It will do harm to those that are already agonizing over their decision. It may cause some of them to change their mind, regardless of the fact that the decision to terminate was well thought out and for valid reasons.

Who will help repair the lives this damages? The lives of the young women. The life of the child that was born into abject poverty. The life of the child that finds out later in life that his conception was born of violence, not love. The life of the addicted mother that winds up jailed for abuse to the unborn child and the child that enters the world a ward of the state.

These are the answers I would like to hear from those that would impose their morality on others like a bludgeon.

So many fail to see that the vast majority of us fighting to keep options open and just are as strongly prolife as they are. One can be prochoice and prolife. For along with fighting to keep abortions safe and attainable, we are also fighting for sane, reasonable education initiatives. We know that education and ease of access to reproductive health care are the keys to lowering abortion rates, not blowing up Planned Parenthood clinics or criminalizing abortion. Certainly not telling physicians to lie about the health of the fetus to the parents.

Apparently I am no longer allowed to have any needs or emotions over all of this. Not really surprising, but damn, it hurts and it makes me angry.

Why can he not differentiate between me being upset and angry over the circumstances and being angry at him? I do not like being accused of yelling at him and being angry at him for being "unhealthy". I guess that is what we are calling it these days.

I do not want to work on a lawnmower. I am mad as hell that due to him being ill and enormously obese it is falling to me. There are no funds to just take it in to be fixed and even if there were, how would I get a riding mower there. The damn thing is shot and it makes my shoulder and neck hurt like hell to use it and I don't want to have to take care of the yard too.

I am tired of life being something to be endured. I want more than this and then I feel like the scum of the earth for wanting more.

DAMMIT, I AM NOT READY TO SIT AROUND WAITING TO DIE. I am healthy and I am sure as hell not elderly. I want a life again. Is that terrible of me?

It will work. I'm putting it out there. It. Will. Work. What is needed will be provided...and it will be provided right on time, not too late.

Making this place more and more my home. Odd, since I really thought that as things get worse with Doug's health we would likely move back into town. Surely I wouldn't consider staying out here when I am on my own...would I? Maybe...I just don't know.

I received word a few weeks ago that a friend from 'that place' has left this life. A person I enjoyed bantering with and quite enjoyed his approval in our interactions in the groups we both belonged to. I recalled his kindness in stepping outside his comfort zone to leave me a message here when I was struggling in the immediate aftermath of mom's death. I was saddened and yet, I understand quite well the choices he made.

I bailed on doing the Artists Way class...I enjoyed it the first session, but I just can't make myself commit to doing it right now. Maybe later on.

The Cash Mob project seems to be taking on a life of it's own and I'm just along for the ride. Pretty cool stuff and like the people I am getting to know better.

Radio interview a few days ago. Good lord, I was nervous...really like Kristen. She made it easier. ha, I think we formed our own political party. Good times.

Good times with Mitsi and Natasha this week as well. I have great friends.

Not too surprised, although saddened to hear that L and her company have apparently screwed over the people that owned the gorgeous venue they were supposedly buying. So sad to hear the place was apparently gutted. This one may be the straw that breaks the camels back and people see L for the narcissist she truly is.

Another loon out of the woodwork, crazy Carlette emailed about a job she thought I would be interested in. What the hell was that all about?

Glad I am finally managing to surround myself with positive friends, not lunatics.

Doug still bad, although not quite as bad as a couple of weeks ago. It was a bad night, though. He woke me up at 4 am gasping for air.

Some days are just treading water...

Making plans for spring...gardens...chickens...and fill the house with friends. It is too dusty and barren these days. I need laughter in my home, not just when I go elsewhere.

I was supposed to attend the first meeting of the cluster for The Artists Way last night. I didn't make it. It was raining, cold and foggy, Doug has not had a single good day since my last post here and I just could not bring myself to leave.

Still, I began the exercises in the book today. Did the morning pages. It felt slightly awkward at first, but then it didn't. Afterwards I felt good about doing it and less tense than I have been lately. Yet a few hours later and I was at my desk sobbing after a kind email. Don't know where that came from. I don't let loose like that very much any more. I get unreasonably angry a lot lately too. I really wish I could contain that better.

Anyway, back to The Artists Way. I have no idea where this will lead, but I feel compelled to do it. We shall see. I need to set a date to go to Crystal Bridges for my first Artist's Date with myself.

Here I am still seeking the balance...maybe that is what it all about...seeking.